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What Kind Of Sex Is Allowed In A Christian Marriage?

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Bible Question and Answer

Bible Question and Answer

What Kind Of Sex Is Allowed In A Christian Marriage?

Welcome to Bible Question and Answer, our bi-weekly series where we provide Bible verses, answers and advice to the questions and concerns you have. During the course of the last two weeks readers have submitted their questions and today we are going to answer one of them.

 

Name: Robin
Question: What things does God allow for us married people to do sexually?

I ask this here, for it to be possibly public, because I am not sure if other people have the same worries.

My husband has…desires.

Ones that make me uncomfortable and I am not even sure how God would feel about them.
It was to the point where I caught him watching porn (which I consider cheating), that I had a feeling that he was watching and he denied for months.

His desire to have sex is a lot greater than mine and I can’t keep up.

I feel as if there is something wrong with me and if I don’t do what he wants, that eventually he will cheat on me again via porn or in person, though he says he won’t, but I have been burned by those words before.

He says that we don’t have to do those things he saw in the very numerous amount of porn he was watching and that he really doesn’t want to because he knows I don’t like the idea, but he still brings it up.

I don’t know what is allowed or if the problem IS in fact me.

I do my wifely duties and make sure I satisfy him most days of the week, never ever going more than two days without.

It is a great, great, great source of stress for me daily and sometimes I resent him for it.

I feel like what he wants to do is wrong, but I could be wrong too, not knowing all the things He allows.

I’m sure it’s just me, always not being good enough.

Always disappointing.

Makes me cry a lot.

I feel very ashamed even talking about this.

I’m sorry and thank you.

 

Name: Brandon T. Ward
Answer: Robin, thank you very much for the question and you have nothing to be ashamed about or sorry for.

First, take this to God if you have not done so already. Ask Him about it, ask Him to help you deal with this and correct the problem. He can help you more than any one of us can.

Second, I want to point out Christians can and should have good, fun and clean sex. There is nothing wrong with that. Some Christians may shudder at the word “sex“, they may think it is a taboo topic and that it should be put away from our view, but that is not the case.

Let’s all be real with one another here, okay?

Sex is a part of life.

This may come as a surprise to some, but that is how we all arrived on earth. So never let someone tell you sex is wrong or you cannot have fun and enjoy it, you can and should. God created it not only to bring children into the world, but to bring husband and wife closer together, to create an intimate bond that should be honored by each one of them.

Now there is a right and wrong way to do it and we are going to get there, but I first would like you to turn your Bible with me to,

Sex In The Marriage

1 Corinthians 7:2
2 “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.”

Right from the Bible, we are to avoid “fornication(Strong’s: G4202), that is “harlotry” and “adultery” and we can do that by having our own spouse.

I wonder why…

Well, let us keep reading.

1 Corinthians 7:3
3Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.

Now the husband and wife equally have to “render” which means to give “due benevolence“.

What is “benevolence“?

It means, “euphemistically conjugal duty“.

Notice the word, “euphemistically”. This means, “substituting a mild, indirect, or vague term for one considered harsh, blunt, or offensive.” 

We are talking about sex between the husband and wife. The Scriptures simply try and keep the topic from becoming too harsh. That is all we are talking about here.

The point is, every man and woman should have their own spouse and they should provide “conjugal duty” between one another. That is what we are talking about.

1 Corinthians 7:4
4 “The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.”

We have talked about the family unit many times in the past. You notice here they are to “render” to one another. The man has power over the woman’s body and likewise the woman over the man.

Now, this is not an open book here to do whatever you find on TV. It needs to be clean and respectful and both the husband and wife need to be in agreement.

1 Corinthians 7:5
5 “Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”

Defraud ye not one another“. That simply means do not withhold sex from your wife or husband. Rather have sex through consent and then give honor and glory to our Father in our daily lives. Then after a while, do the act once again. Notice, we are told to do this consistently otherwise Satan will try and intervene in our marriages and cause problems.

Sex should bring us closer together, not pull us apart.

Satan Intervening In Our Marriages

I hope everyone noticed, if we are not consistent with our sex life this provides Satan the opportunity to tempt us which can lead us into “fornication“. Now that is a big, big, huge no-no.

How does Satan intervene in our marriages?

Satan accomplishes this through many different aspects and that does not necessarily mean Satan is literally fiddling around with your marriage. Satan has been in control of the earth and around for a very long time, he has a lot of tools in place. That is how Satan can intervene in our marriages, so we all need to think about that logically.

Pornography In A Marriage

I feel pornography is one of Satan’s tools. Pornography has no business in a Christian home, there is nothing Christian or righteous about porn. It is designed to bring out the animal within us and removes any sense of morality and decency from our minds.

First off, the couple on TV. They are not really a couple and who knows how many sexual partners they have had. That is “harlotry” and against God. It is their business, but we do not need to be a part of it.

It also brings division between the husband and wife. One now begins to compare themselves to what they see on TV, how it is done and on and on it goes. That is TV my friends, they are being paid for what they are doing.

The more one watches porn, the more they will rationalize and crave what they are seeing and want to perform those acts themselves. Some of the more raunchy acts then begin to desensitize the person watching it, which then makes it normal to them.

When one is constantly bombarded with porn, that is all that is on your mind. Remember, sex is fine and guys naturally think about sex more than women, but constantly feeding porn into one’s mind only fuels that natural drive, but in a negative aspect.

Sex, The Right And Wrong Way

Please turn your Bible with me to,

Romans 1:24
24 “Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:”

I encourage you to start your reading with verse 18 to understand the subject. The people turned away from God. Instead of worshipping Him, they worshipped His creation.

Essentially the people gave themselves up to uncleanness and dishonor. When they turned from God, naturally He was removed from them. When God removes His Shield of protection from you, Satan has full reign to influence you either directly, or through his tools.

Notice, they were turned to “uncleanness” through “the lust of their own hearts” and they ‘dishonored their own bodies between themselves‘.

We are talking about sex here and the Scriptures will make that very clear as we move forward.

Romans 1:25
25 “Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.”

They changed the Truth of God into a lie when the “lust of their heart” became bigger and more important than God. When they ‘dishonored their bodies‘ and served and worshipped things other than God.

We worship things when we place them before God and His values. We change His Truth into a lie within our heart when we call things that are wicked, righteous and things that are dark, light, (Isaiah 5:20, 2 Corinthians 6:14-18).

Romans 1:26
26 “For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:”

Due to what was explained in the prior verses they were turned over to the “lusts of the heart” and their “vile affections“.

Vile,” (Strong’s: G819) that is “disgrace, dishonour, shame“.

Affections“, (Strong’s: 3806) that is “passion, lust“.

The people brought this on themselves as they turned away from our Heavenly Father.

Now one of these “vile affections” is when the woman changed “the natural use into that which is against nature“. Remember, we are talking about the people dishonoring their own bodies. In case it is not clear enough we are talking about sexual acts here okay?

So what exactly do you think the women did when they “changed the natural use into that which is against nature“?

Think about it for a moment and I believe we will understand “the natural use” definition.

Romans 1:27
27 “And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.”

There are no if’s and’s or but’s about it, we are talking about sexual acts here. The men left “the natural use of the woman” and instead went and had homosexual so-called “sex“. That is sodomy alright and it is very wrong.

So the definition then of “the natural use of the woman” is “traditional sex“. That does not mean boring, you can “spice it up” however you would like. However, from the example in the Scriptures it means anal sex is a no-no, God is against it and that is what I am trying to convey here.

Look, God created our bodies, He knows what is good for them. He created one part of the body to be “exit only” okay, I want to make that clear.

How about the health aspect?

For details on that, I encourage you to read this article by WebMD.

Summary

Robin, you are not the problem and you are not alone here.

I have heard from woman’s groups and this is a common topic for women who struggle with what you have laid out here.

Aside from what I have already explained, my recommendation is to ensure you have an open line of communication with your husband. It sounds like you have talked with him about it, but ensure he truly knows what you are dealing with.

Guys are not mind readers, so really sit down and talk with him about it. Get anything out in the open that you need too, otherwise this will continue to be bottled up inside and only cause you more frustration.

I would also recommend that you share some of the Bible verses we covered here with him. Let him know how God feels about certain acts if they pertain to your situation and above all, bring God into it.



Thank you for reading this edition of Bible Question and Answer. We sincerely thank our readers for the opportunity to answer their questions and share them with the rest of our audience. We also thank our Father for providing us with this platform in order to share His most precious Word.



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17 Comments

  1. Is masturbating a sin?
    I really, really feel it is.
    My husband doesn’t think so, saying that some people think everything is a sin, so then should we not have sex now?
    This was said this morning through text, and I could just FEEL him rolling eyes when he saw the video I sent to him a video about demons and masturbation.

    He is clearly upset about this, but I have finally realized how STRONG sex is, of any kind, being blessed by God or the garbage of Satan.
    Aleister Crowley even wrote a book called Sex Magick and he said that sex is binding.
    Sex with people/animals and masturbation is also used to cast spells.
    I am always praying and talking to God.
    He consumes me and my spirit is moving, very quickly I feel, in the right direction, telling me (I feel) of all the things that are wrong.
    I will pray and pray and pray for God to deliver my husband in the right direction because right now he’s thinking I’m going a little overboard with some of the things I have been saying.
    Like wanting to not acknowledge traditional man “holidays” anymore because it makes me uncomfortable.
    I just want to please God and it’s kind of a struggle, whereas other people are concerned.

    Admin Edit: YouTube link removed as I cannot validate any claims made within it.

    • I would like to add, that I don’t believe masturbating is right because, what I feel, is that, even in adolescence when hormones begin to “rage” (which I feel is greatly intensified with all the sex that is everywhere in TV, music and the like), but that we are to control and abstain any sexual acts until we are married because sex is so incredibly powerful.
      To cultivate our virtues and relationship with Jesus Christ.
      I don’t think it is a good thing because I don’t think Jesus ever did anything of the sort and are we not supposed to model ourselves after Him?
      My husbands response was that he doesn’t know if Jesus ever did such a thing because he said he doesn’t know what the right answer is.
      He just keeps telling me that I think and worry too much.

  2. This subject touches very closely to the question of whether or not birth controlled sex is acceptable. Do we rely on the Lord to determine how many children we should have, or rely on birth control pills to control the amount of children we desire to have? I think that this issue should be included in the complete answer to Robin’s question.

  3. My opinion is that “oral” sex is not natural or clean. It is a degrading act.

    There is so much love and intimacy that can be shared between a married man and woman with clean basic sex. If this seems like a dream to you I absolutely encourage you to pray to God about this and allow Him to change your heart and mind. Let God heal you completely from what you have allowed yourself or others to have done to you.

    Many many prayers for those caught in this trap and feeling pressure to do things that are not of God.

  4. Dear sister Robin,
    The word “sodomy” does not exist in the Word of God. There is nothing that God disallows a husband and wife to do together between their two bodies.
    “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.”
    So don’t let what others say make you feel guilty.

    • The verse from Hebrews 13:4 explains that basic sex between a married man and woman is honourable, but sex acts between a married person outside of marriage or between two unmarried people is not honourable. This verse does not imply that any/every sexual act is honourable between a married man or woman.

      Sexual acts such as oral or anal sex are practised as homosexual acts as they do not have one man and one woman able to have basic penis in vagina sex. Those who practise homosexual sex do not have the honour of being man and woman in marriage and thus need to resort to unnatural sexual acts to satisfy their lusts. Get out of confusion, get out of Babylon and be separate from the world.

      • One more thing – as a basic rule of thumb: any sexual act that may result in conception of a child is natural. Any other sex act that has no possibility of resulting in the conception of a child is not natural.

        • So are you saying I, who am 66 and married, having sex with my husband with virtually no possibility of having a child is not natural? Would you believe “old” couples, 45 and older, still have sex? Who woulda thunk it? BTW my husband is 63.

          • Deb, your 66, married, having sex with your husband, virtually no possibility of having child is not natural? God is in control as to anyone having children. What really being talked about here is natural/ unnatural acts. I’m gonna just put it out so anyone reading will understand. Your anal was not made for sexual acts that’s not normal. Oral is not normal. There are body parts that are made for a reason, example going to the bathroom, what do you think your digesting? Why do you think there’s so much diseases out there. I think people watch too much TV, and the wrong stuff, they get influenced by this stuff. Do things Gods way and you’ll never go wrong cause He’s always right.

          • Hi Deb, please read my response to Helix below as she asked the same question.

      • My spouse has had a vasectomy. Regular sex I suppose is out because even that will not rwsult in a baby. And I couldnt afford another one. Now doing things that degrades or causes pain or stress is a no. And what of women who have vaginal disorders and sexual intercourse is painful? Sorry but men have left their wives or have cheated due to not receiving sexual release.

        • Helix, under normal and/or healthy conditions normal penis-vagina sex between a man and a woman *can* result in a child. This does not mean that if you are married and somehow know that you cannot conceive a child that normal sex is now off limits and ungodly. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:2 for a man to have a wife (or a woman to have a husband) to avoid fornication, not specifically to start making babies. There’s no sin in not having children. You have mentioned you cannot conceive because your spouse has had a vasectomy, well then regular sex in this case is still between a married man and woman. I married later in life and shortly after marriage had to have an emergency hysterectomy. This does not exclude my husband and I from having normal marital sex. For a Biblical example Sarai (Sarah) was 90 when God said to Abram (Abraham) that she was going to conceive her first child (see Genesis 17-21). Without being inappropriate I’m fairly sure when they were younger they didn’t consumate their marriage, wait for 9 or so months, and when there was no child look at each other and say “we can’t have children” to never have sex again…. Sarah was apparently quite beautiful hence why Abimelech, King of Gerar, took Sarah from Abraham briefly (but God stopped Abimelech from even touching Sarah, see Gen 20:2) before she was returned back to her husband. So up until Sarah was 90 years of age I’m pretty sure she and Abraham weren’t just holding hands every night!
          My point is that sex should only be between a married man to his wife and that sex should be the normal way. Oral sex between a married man or woman does not result in children, nor does anal sex between a married woman bear children so both sexual acts are ungodly. Sodomy is a stated abomination by God in His Word, whereas oral sex is not mentioned explicitly but in my opinion it is not godly as it cannot result in children. There can be some heinous viral and bacterial infections that can pass from saliva to genitalia and vice versa. The two microbiota environments are not compatible. So this to me affirms that it’s an introduced sexual immorality.
          I cannot speak about the solutions for the fraction of a percent of people that you have described who have difficulty having sex for whatever reason. In these cases the solution for sexual gratification has no correlation to normal sex being conducted by a married man and woman so I don’t understand the basis of your argument. If there is a difficulty to have sex then prayer to God is your first priority and then, if possible, to seek medical/emotional help if necessary. It would be like my being negative about not being able to conceive at all and imposing my situation on women who could conceive naturally and easily, theres no logical correlation.
          My opinion is that if a married man leaves his wife because he hasn’t been provided sexual release by his wife then that is not showing Christ’s Love as the husband. That’s a disgrace. You love each other in sickness and in health, for better or for worse. Having said that: under no circumstances should a wife or a husband compromise their relationship with God within the marriage. To me that’s just common sense.

      • Chi-town conservative

        October 7, 2018 at 9:27 AM

        Aussie,
        Agree totally with what you are saying. Natural use is just that. The back end was meant for waste to exit our bodies, not to insert things into.

    • Aussie did a good job of explaining the meaning of Hebrews 13:4. We have to be careful to properly read and understand Scripture and not write in there what we would like it to say.

      The word “sodomy” is not in the Bible, correct, but then again no one said it was. I think everyone knows what the word “sodomy” means and I think everyone knows where the root of that word came from, “Sodom” which is in the Bible. Sinful homosexual acts took place there, so bad God destroyed it. So you can believe what you want, but do not tell someone the Bible says it is okay, when Scripture does not state that.

  5. I’m keeping you and your family in prayer. I have been divorced since 2006. There’s only one man in my life and that’s Christ. I understand what your feeling, that’s why I will not remarry. I’m very happy where I’m at in my life and very content. You are in my prayers and many other as well, and I pray things get better for you. Your not alone when it comes to this subject. There are many out there who are even Christians they need to really be in Gods word and stop putting women under si much pressure. Brandon, maybe you can come up with a subject and teach about the natural order if things. I think price need to here what Gid says and not what there flesh says and wants.

  6. To the reader whose comment was not approved.

    Please read the Community Guidelines before posting. Insults, graphic content and excessively long comments are not allowed.

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