What Kind Of Sex Is Allowed In A Christian Marriage?
Welcome to Bible Question and Answer, our bi-weekly series where we provide Bible verses, answers and advice to the questions and concerns you have. During the course of the last two weeks readers have submitted their questions and today we are going to answer one of them.
Question: What things does God allow for us married people to do sexually?
I ask this here, for it to be possibly public, because I am not sure if other people have the same worries.
My husband has…desires.
Ones that make me uncomfortable and I am not even sure how God would feel about them.
It was to the point where I caught him watching porn (which I consider cheating), that I had a feeling that he was watching and he denied for months.
His desire to have sex is a lot greater than mine and I can’t keep up.
I feel as if there is something wrong with me and if I don’t do what he wants, that eventually he will cheat on me again via porn or in person, though he says he won’t, but I have been burned by those words before.
He says that we don’t have to do those things he saw in the very numerous amount of porn he was watching and that he really doesn’t want to because he knows I don’t like the idea, but he still brings it up.
I don’t know what is allowed or if the problem IS in fact me.
I do my wifely duties and make sure I satisfy him most days of the week, never ever going more than two days without.
It is a great, great, great source of stress for me daily and sometimes I resent him for it.
I feel like what he wants to do is wrong, but I could be wrong too, not knowing all the things He allows.
I’m sure it’s just me, always not being good enough.
Makes me cry a lot.
I feel very ashamed even talking about this.
I’m sorry and thank you.
Name: Brandon T. Ward
Answer: Robin, thank you very much for the question and you have nothing to be ashamed about or sorry for.
First, take this to God if you have not done so already. Ask Him about it, ask Him to help you deal with this and correct the problem. He can help you more than any one of us can.
Second, I want to point out Christians can and should have good, fun and clean sex. There is nothing wrong with that. Some Christians may shudder at the word “sex“, they may think it is a taboo topic and that it should be put away from our view, but that is not the case.
Let’s all be real with one another here, okay?
Sex is a part of life.
This may come as a surprise to some, but that is how we all arrived on earth. So never let someone tell you sex is wrong or you cannot have fun and enjoy it, you can and should. God created it not only to bring children into the world, but to bring husband and wife closer together, to create an intimate bond that should be honored by each one of them.
Now there is a right and wrong way to do it and we are going to get there, but I first would like you to turn your Bible with me to,
Sex In The Marriage
1 Corinthians 7:2
2 “Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.”
Right from the Bible, we are to avoid “fornication” (Strong’s: G4202), that is “harlotry” and “adultery” and we can do that by having our own spouse.
I wonder why…
Well, let us keep reading.
1 Corinthians 7:3
3 “Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.“
Now the husband and wife equally have to “render” which means to give “due benevolence“.
What is “benevolence“?
It means, “euphemistically conjugal duty“.
Notice the word, “euphemistically”. This means, “substituting a mild, indirect, or vague term for one considered harsh, blunt, or offensive.”
We are talking about sex between the husband and wife. The Scriptures simply try and keep the topic from becoming too harsh. That is all we are talking about here.
The point is, every man and woman should have their own spouse and they should provide “conjugal duty” between one another. That is what we are talking about.
1 Corinthians 7:4
4 “The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.”
We have talked about the family unit many times in the past. You notice here they are to “render” to one another. The man has power over the woman’s body and likewise the woman over the man.
Now, this is not an open book here to do whatever you find on TV. It needs to be clean and respectful and both the husband and wife need to be in agreement.
1 Corinthians 7:5
5 “Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.”
“Defraud ye not one another“. That simply means do not withhold sex from your wife or husband. Rather have sex through consent and then give honor and glory to our Father in our daily lives. Then after a while, do the act once again. Notice, we are told to do this consistently otherwise Satan will try and intervene in our marriages and cause problems.
Sex should bring us closer together, not pull us apart.
Satan Intervening In Our Marriages
I hope everyone noticed, if we are not consistent with our sex life this provides Satan the opportunity to tempt us which can lead us into “fornication“. Now that is a big, big, huge no-no.
How does Satan intervene in our marriages?
Satan accomplishes this through many different aspects and that does not necessarily mean Satan is literally fiddling around with your marriage. Satan has been in control of the earth and around for a very long time, he has a lot of tools in place. That is how Satan can intervene in our marriages, so we all need to think about that logically.
Pornography In A Marriage
I feel pornography is one of Satan’s tools. Pornography has no business in a Christian home, there is nothing Christian or righteous about porn. It is designed to bring out the animal within us and removes any sense of morality and decency from our minds.
First off, the couple on TV. They are not really a couple and who knows how many sexual partners they have had. That is “harlotry” and against God. It is their business, but we do not need to be a part of it.
It also brings division between the husband and wife. One now begins to compare themselves to what they see on TV, how it is done and on and on it goes. That is TV my friends, they are being paid for what they are doing.
The more one watches porn, the more they will rationalize and crave what they are seeing and want to perform those acts themselves. Some of the more raunchy acts then begin to desensitize the person watching it, which then makes it normal to them.
When one is constantly bombarded with porn, that is all that is on your mind. Remember, sex is fine and guys naturally think about sex more than women, but constantly feeding porn into one’s mind only fuels that natural drive, but in a negative aspect.
Sex, The Right And Wrong Way
Please turn your Bible with me to,
24 “Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves:”
I encourage you to start your reading with verse 18 to understand the subject. The people turned away from God. Instead of worshipping Him, they worshipped His creation.
Essentially the people gave themselves up to uncleanness and dishonor. When they turned from God, naturally He was removed from them. When God removes His Shield of protection from you, Satan has full reign to influence you either directly, or through his tools.
Notice, they were turned to “uncleanness” through “the lust of their own hearts” and they ‘dishonored their own bodies between themselves‘.
We are talking about sex here and the Scriptures will make that very clear as we move forward.
25 “Who changed the truth of God into a lie, and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator, who is blessed for ever. Amen.”
They changed the Truth of God into a lie when the “lust of their heart” became bigger and more important than God. When they ‘dishonored their bodies‘ and served and worshipped things other than God.
We worship things when we place them before God and His values. We change His Truth into a lie within our heart when we call things that are wicked, righteous and things that are dark, light, (Isaiah 5:20, 2 Corinthians 6:14-18).
26 “For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature:”
Due to what was explained in the prior verses they were turned over to the “lusts of the heart” and their “vile affections“.
“Vile,” (Strong’s: G819) that is “disgrace, dishonour, shame“.
“Affections“, (Strong’s: 3806) that is “passion, lust“.
The people brought this on themselves as they turned away from our Heavenly Father.
Now one of these “vile affections” is when the woman changed “the natural use into that which is against nature“. Remember, we are talking about the people dishonoring their own bodies. In case it is not clear enough we are talking about sexual acts here okay?
So what exactly do you think the women did when they “changed the natural use into that which is against nature“?
Think about it for a moment and I believe we will understand “the natural use” definition.
27 “And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet.”
There are no if’s and’s or but’s about it, we are talking about sexual acts here. The men left “the natural use of the woman” and instead went and had homosexual so-called “sex“. That is sodomy alright and it is very wrong.
So the definition then of “the natural use of the woman” is “traditional sex“. That does not mean boring, you can “spice it up” however you would like. However, from the example in the Scriptures it means anal sex is a no-no, God is against it and that is what I am trying to convey here.
Look, God created our bodies, He knows what is good for them. He created one part of the body to be “exit only” okay, I want to make that clear.
How about the health aspect?
For details on that, I encourage you to read this article by WebMD.
Robin, you are not the problem and you are not alone here.
I have heard from woman’s groups and this is a common topic for women who struggle with what you have laid out here.
Aside from what I have already explained, my recommendation is to ensure you have an open line of communication with your husband. It sounds like you have talked with him about it, but ensure he truly knows what you are dealing with.
Guys are not mind readers, so really sit down and talk with him about it. Get anything out in the open that you need too, otherwise this will continue to be bottled up inside and only cause you more frustration.
I would also recommend that you share some of the Bible verses we covered here with him. Let him know how God feels about certain acts if they pertain to your situation and above all, bring God into it.